Enter the Toad
by Apocalypse Cow
Summary: Actors come together to perform the story of Escaflowne on stage, and chaos ensues. "Dilandau" is a pyrophobe and "Van" just burned down his kingdom? What's going on? (Please RR!)
1. Act One: Enter the Toad

Narrator's Voice: OHAYO GOZAIMASU! (grinning broadly, a scrawny girl in a sailor suit comes bouncing out onstage. She's filthy, with ratted brown- blond hair, giant green eyes, and bare feet. She is the Narrator.)  
  
Narrator: (squints up at the sky) OW! Wow, maybe it's not morning after all. We're running WAAAAAAAAAY behind schedule! Um, I'm here to say that, although you were doubtless looking forward to our excellent play, it's not happening anytime soon. But never fear! I am here! (she attempts to do a Napolean pose, but falls over backwards instead.) I will stay by your sides, poor sweet audience members, and amuse you with my little jokes until the cast is ready! (she poses again, does not fall over, and so pleased is she with her posing prowess that she starts doing a jig. Suddenly, a cane comes from backstage, hooks around her neck, and pulls her off the stage)  
  
Narrator's voice: (from backstage) OOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
(a tall, thin man in a worn blue suit strolls out, hiding the cane behind his back)  
  
Daemon: (bowing) Greeting, audience-members, ladies and gents, toads and cucumbers! I apologise profusely for the fact that you had to endure my little sister's endless prattle! We would have started sooner, but my sister, the dear little thing, had, er, locked us all the broom closet and we have just now managed to get away!  
  
Narrator: (dashes out onstage, now wearing a long blonde wig) DON'T I LOOK LIKE SAILOR MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON?  
  
Daemon: (using the cane like a bat, he winds up and hits his sister into the next kingdom)  
  
Narrator's voice: (from backstage) OWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Daemon: Anyhow, we members of the Actor's Guild have come today to perform the tragic tale of (looks at prompters across stage) Snooglewoomple! HEY! THAT'S NOT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(prompter lowers sign and grins impishly. It is the Narrator.)  
  
Daemon: (glares daggers)  
  
Narrator: (knocks daggers aside, still grinning)  
  
Daemon: (points) GET HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(twelve not-so-burly men run out from backstage with various foam objects, including a WE'RE NUMBER ONE! Hand and a green pitchfork to chase the Narrator out of the room)  
  
Audience member: (this is actually another actor, wearing a Star Trek shirt) (raises hand) YO!  
  
Daemon: (condescendingly) Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees?  
  
Audience member: Does the kid even have a name?  
  
Daemon: (considering) . . . No.  
  
Audience member: (gets up and runs after Narrator) I'M GONNA SAVE THE KID! KID! YOU CAN BE MY SISTER! YOU CAN HAVE A NAME! IT CAN BE . . . KIDD!  
  
Narrator: (dashes back into the room and through Audience member's legs) EEP!  
  
Darien: (comes dashing into the room with a blue foam battle-axe) DIE, CUR! (aiming for Narrator, he whacks the Audience member on the head)  
  
Audience member: Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow . . . (Meow mix theme song comes on, and Audience Member dances and sings along) MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW!  
  
Darien: (dies) (reincarnates) THOU SHALT NOT SING MEOW MIX SONGS DURING A TRAGEDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (whacks AM repeatedly on the head with foam axe)  
  
In the meantime . . .  
  
Daemon: Oooooooooookay then. Right. Anyway . . . (puffs up pompously) Wwwwwwwwwwelcome, ladies and gents, sirs and frogs, newts and toads!  
  
(a bunch of actors in frog, toad, and newt suits sitting in the back of the audience cheer loudly)  
  
Daemon: We are here today to witness a MOMENTOUS event! The first ever showing of a dramatization of THE VISION OF ESCAFLOWNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(Several actor/audience members wearing Anime Convention 2002 T-shirts cheer loudly, while a short - bordering on midget - man in a DragonBallZ shirt boos)  
  
Daemon: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND HERE WE GO!  
  
(The curtain swooshes open to reveal a girl with short blonde hair in her track uniform chewing gum while Daemon bounds offstage)  
  
Hitomi: (spots audience) EEK! (runs offstage) (runs back onstage, now carrying her shoes with her)  
  
Yukari: (she is an oriental-looking girl with semi-long black hair, wearing her school uniform.) YO! TOMI! YOU LATE!  
  
Hitomi: (she leaps at Yukari and her pants fall down to reveal pink shorts mid-leap) EEK! (blushes)  
  
Yukari: We all know that you secretly love pink, Tomi. But the real question is . . . WHY DO YOU HAVE "AMANO" WRITTEN ALL OVER YOUR FOREARM IN LITTLE PINK HEARTS?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????  
  
Hitomi: Oh-oh YEAH? Well, haven't you noticed that YOU'RE the only JAPANESE person here?!?  
  
Yukari: Um, yeah - this is SUPPOSED to be set in JAPAN!  
  
Hitomi: then . . . I guess the real question is, why don't the REST of us look Japanese?  
  
Daemon: (sprints back onstage, now wearing a uniform, and begins whacking them both on the head with a Bible for Dummies) FIRST COMMANDMENT! FIRST COMMANDMENT! BURN, THEATRE HEATHENS!!!!!!!!!! (bounds back offstage)  
  
Hitomi: OW!  
  
Yukari: Wow. (gazes dreamily after Daemon) Oh, Amano . . .  
  
Random audience member: But why the first commandment?  
  
(Yukari and Hitomi both pull out large rolls of pink paper from behind their backs and hold them up. They read: The Ten Commandments of Daemon)  
  
Yukari and Hitomi: (in unison) Thou shalt not deviate from the script. Thou shalt stick to the script or burn in hell. Thou shalt STICK like fricken GLUE to the script or thou shalt bear the sudden triple onslaught of DragonBallZ, Powerpuff Girls, and my sleep-deprived little sister ALL AT ONCE! Thou shalt . . . oh, screw it.  
  
Daemon's Voice: (from backstage) THOU SHALT NOT DEVIATE FROM THE SCRIPT! GAAAAAAAAAA! (there is a ripping sound, and showers of hair come flying from backstage. Yukari and Hitomi wince.)  
  
Yukari: Okay, let's just skip a few scenes, shall we?  
  
Hitomi:Riiiiiiiiight. But what about my big love scene?  
  
Yukari: (glances backstage and winces as more hair comes flying) I think that Amano is . . . er . . . incapacitated.  
  
Daemon's voice: (from backstage) THOU! SHALT! NOT! DEVIATE! FROM! THE! SCRIPT!!!!!!!!!!!! (a loud thump, then a high-pitched scream)  
  
Yukari and Hitomi: (in unison) I'm COMING, AMANO BABY!  
  
As the curtain falls at the end of act one, Darien and the audience member, who have been fighting all the time, pause.  
  
AM: KID! KID! YOU CAN BE KIDD!!!!!!!!!!!!! (scrambles for the door through which Narrator left, as all the actor/audience members dive on him) 


	2. Act Two: Enter the FLAMMTHROWR

ACT TWO  
  
(Yukari walks out onstage, now wearing a long blonde wig and a pink tutu with a white shirt)  
  
Yukari: (looks around) Hey, where's 'Tomi? (strolls backstage to look for her friend. After a long pause, there is a bloodcurdling scream as she hurtles back out, covered in scratch marks and clutching her head as the Narrator streaks after her, now wearing a yellow pillowcase, a tail, and large floppy cat ears.)  
  
Narrator: THAT'S MY SAILOR MOON WIG! GIMMEGIMMEGIMME!  
  
( They both run offstage. Meanwhile, a black-haired boy in samurai armor strolls in with Hitomi from the back of the audience)  
  
Van: You suck, Hitomi.  
  
Hitomi: I just saved your life, moron.  
  
Van: (stops and ponders this for a moment, while Hitomi walks on) Nah . . . you suck anyway.  
  
Hitomi: Don't make me hurt you.  
  
(Darien runs in from backstage, wearing an I'm With Stupid T-shirt along with the rest of his samurai costume)  
  
Darien: LORD VAN! (dives in to hug Van, who dodges, and he gets Hitomi instead)  
  
Hitomi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHH!  
  
Van: Wow, this is like the most traumatizing experience of my life.  
  
Hitomi: (faints)  
  
Darien: (prods Hitomi with plastic samurai sword) She okay?  
  
Van: Who cares? (together, they pull Hitomi up and onto the stage, which now looks like a small village, with a castle in the background. Van and Darien seem to be straining themselves greatly, sweating, and breathing heavily, barely able to lift Hitomi off of the ground)  
  
Van: (dropping Hitomi unceremoniously on the ground) Good God! What does she EAT!?  
  
Hitomi: (coming to) Blood . . . Death . . . Destruction . . .  
  
Van: Oh. No wonder.  
  
Hitomi: YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE! BWAHAHAHAHA! (faints)  
  
Van: You first.  
  
(an African-American girl, skinny and pigtailed and wearing red armor, strolls out carrying a bunch of matches and a can of hair spray painted black and labeled FLAMMTHROWR.)  
  
Dilandau: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA(sneezes mid-laugh) YOU WILL ALL DIE!  
  
Van: (disgusted look) What, of SARS?  
  
Random Newsguy: (runs out from backstage in a pristine suit) YES! SARS IS DEADLY! DEADLIER THAN MY AUNTIE'S FRUITCAKE! YOU VIL ALL DIE AND I - (bares teeth to reveal a pair of fangs) I VILL SOCK YOUR BLAHD! MWAHAHAHA!  
  
Darien: (walks up to newguy) What didja say?  
  
Random Newsguy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! NOT GARLIC BREATH! I'M MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELTING! (faints)  
  
Darien: (shrugs) What's the matter with him? I LIKE Italian food!  
  
Van: (rolls eyes)  
  
Dilandau: MOERO!!!!!!!! BURN AND DIE! BURN AND DIE! (holds up hairspray, then, with a terrified look, pauses.) Er . . . . you guys . . . maybe this is a bit late, but . . . I'M A PYROPHOBE!  
  
(suddenly, the Bible For Dummies hurtles out from backstage and hits her in the head.)  
  
Daemon's voice: COMMANDMENT NUMBER OOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!!!!  
  
Van: (all the while, he has been staring, entranced, at the can of hairspray. Now, he grins evilly.) You're a pyrophobe?  
  
Dilandau: (with tears in her eyes) YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAH! (sob)  
  
Van: Good, because I'M A PYROMANIAC! (sprints across the room and grabs the matches and hairspray, creating a mini-flamethrower with it to torch the huts) MOEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MOEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BURN! BURN! BURN!  
  
(with a loud wail, Dilandau faints.)  
  
Hitomi: (coming to) What the-  
  
Darien: (disturbed look) Um . . . let's get out of the way, why don't we?  
  
(Cackling evilly, Van happily commences burning the backdrop)  
  
Hitomi: Um . . . (huge fake grin) Not that I'm scared or anything, but-  
  
Van: (crazed look) BWAHAHAHA!  
  
Hitomi: LET'S GET OUT OF HERE! (she sprints offstage, Darien close on her heels. Darien trips over the vampiric newsguy, who wakes up, grabs Darien's leg, and is pulled along, trying to bite it, as Darien runs out of the room)  
  
Van: BWAHAHA! MOERO! MOERO! BURN-BURN-BURN-BURN-BUUUUUUUUUUUURN!  
  
Daemon: (creeps up behind Van, a crazed look in his eyes. Suddenly, he raises the Bible for Dummies above his head and begins viciously beating Van.) COMMANDMENT NUMBER OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!  
  
(with a loud squawk, Van drops the hair spray and crumples into a ball on the ground.)  
  
Yukari: (runs out onstage, breathing hard.) How do you close the curtain?!?  
  
Curtain falls on top of Yukari. 


	3. Act Three: The Cowardly Blonde

Act Three: The Cowardly Blonde  
  
THANK YOU to the three people who have reviewed . . . thanks for saying that I'm funny, even if you were both lying . . . and YES, Rai, I am addicted to exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ; D See what I mean????????  
  
*Backstage*  
  
Yukari: *heavy sigh* What are we gonna do for Allen?  
  
Hitomi: *heavy sigh* Dunno . . . maybe we can just continue the play AFTER Daemon gets back from the emergency room?  
  
The Voice From Nowhere: Excuse me, but maybe I can be of some assistance?  
  
Yukari and Hitomi: *looking frantically around* WHAT!?  
  
Narrator: AUGGGGGGH! WHIPLASH! *writhes on floor, clutching head*  
  
Hitomi: Um, wow, you weren't even moving.  
  
Narrator: *pauses, considering this for a moment* Okay . . . AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGH! SECONDHAND WHIPLASH! *writhes some more*  
  
TVFN(voice from nowhere): Hello -o? Anyone paying attention? Loud, disembodied voice with a superiority complex here!  
  
All: SHUT UP!  
  
TVFN: FINE. *sulk* I just thought that since I AM Hitomi's fairy godmother, I might want to-  
  
Hitomi: I don't have a fairy godmother!  
  
TVFN: Okay, so I'm the next best thing - a cross-dressing fairy godfather!  
  
All: *sign against evil*  
  
TVFN: I was just thinking I could help . . .  
  
Hitomi: But I don't WANNA go to the ball! I HATE dressing up!!!!!!!  
  
Yukari: Um, I don't think that's what he-  
  
TVFN: SHE! I'm a SHE at heart, I really am!  
  
Hitomi: UWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  
  
Yukari: Um, I wish for a replacement Allen!  
  
TVFN: Mm-hm. Can do. Any specifics?  
  
Yukari: Okay. Handsome, long blonde hair, chauvinistic, excellent actor, knight-  
  
TVFN: Ooooooooooooooooookay! Here you go!  
  
*lots of billowing purple smoke surges from nowhere*  
  
Allen: Hey, how d'you guys like me?  
  
Hitomi: um, where are you?  
  
Allen: Here!  
  
All: *look around frantically*  
  
Narrator: WHIPLASH! *writhes frantically on the floor*  
  
AM: *bursts through the door* DON'T WORRY, KIDD! I'LL SAVE YOU!  
  
Narrator: EEK! *streaks out the door, followed by AM*  
  
Allen: Not there, here! No, lower. Lower. LOWER, DAMMIT!  
  
Yukari: *faints*  
  
Hitomi: Oh. My. God.  
  
Allen: What?  
  
Darien: It's . . . nothing! A small problem!  
  
Hitomi: *sniggering* VERY small.  
  
Allen: What are you talking about? I'm perfect!  
  
*meanwhile, the Narrator and Audience Member streak back through the door, AM clutching his smoking, now-bald head and the Narrator without eyebrows*  
  
Narrator: HEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  
  
Van: BWAHAHA! *lowers FLAMMTHROWR and gapes at Allen* Oh. My. God. It's a . . . MIDGET! *torches Allen* BURN, BABY, BURN!  
  
Darien: Um . . . wow.  
  
Hitomi: He has a bit of a thing about midgets. And clowns. And small dogs. And-  
  
Allen: MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!!!!!! *runs out onstage and nearly trips over Dilandau*  
  
Van: *chasing* BURN!  
  
Allen: HAIR!  
  
Van: BURN!  
  
Allen: HAIR!  
  
Van: BURN!  
  
Allen: HAIR!  
  
Van: BURN!  
  
Allen: HAIR!  
  
Van: BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURN!  
  
Hitomi: And long blonde hair. He's the main reason I keep mine, er . . . VERY short.  
  
Darien: Let's go get the Slayers. It's about time for their cue anyway.  
  
Hitomi: Right. *exit*  
  
Van: BURN!  
  
Allen: HAIR!  
  
Van: BURN!  
  
Allen: HAIR!  
  
Van: BURN!  
  
Allen: HAIR!  
  
Van: BURN!  
  
Allen: HAIR!  
  
Van: BWAHAHA!  
  
*just behind the curtain stand three boys in blue armor - Gatti, Viole, and Guimel.*  
  
Gatti: O . . . kay! You first, Viole!  
  
Viole: Make Guimel do it! He's just a secondary character anyway!  
  
Guimel: NO! It's Viole's turn!  
  
Viole and Gatti: Go on, sheep-boy!  
  
Guimel: *wailing* WHY MEEEEEEEEEEEE!?  
  
Viole: *simpering-sweet* Because you just KNOW that you deal the best with Lord Dilandau when he's in one of these moods!  
  
Guimel: THAT'S not Lord Dilandau, that's the Dragon!  
  
Gatti: And I'm a lovely young catgirl. Go. Now.  
  
Guimel: But-  
  
Gatti: OR ELSE.  
  
Guimel: GOING! GOING!  
  
Viole: You know, that DOES look like the Dragon. . .  
  
Gatti: With a FLAMETHROWER? You've got to be kidding, Viole.  
  
Viole: Oh, okay . . . but it WOULD be nice to know how we ended up here. Or where here is. Or who the hell those OTHER guys in blue armor were . .  
  
Gatti: Shut up.  
  
Van: BWAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Guimel: *tapping Van's shoulder* Um, Lord D-  
  
Van: HUH? *spins around and nearly torches Guimel, who ducks*  
  
Allen: *faints*  
  
Guimel: Um, I'm just taking a survey. Is your name Lord Dilandau?  
  
Van: No.  
  
Guimel: Okay, that'll be all-  
  
Van: I like fire. *torches a random audience member* A LOT.  
  
Guimel: Why, that's nice, but I've got to be going . . .  
  
Lord Dilandau: *enters from stage right* YOU!  
  
Van: YOU! Hey, wait. Who are you, exactly?  
  
Lord Dilandau: Stop playing dumb, Van Fanel!  
  
Van: Actually, it's quite flattering to know that we have fans among the, er, highly coveted albino population, but my name's not REALLY Van Fanel. It's Van Albatou Kanzaki Excalibur Vash Strategos Fanel Timberlake Gackt Tolkien Slanzar Stampede-  
  
Lord Dilandau: *sneering* What the hell kind of name is that?  
  
Van: It's what happens when crazed fangirls have children.  
  
Lord Dilandau: Oh. Right.  
  
Van: And now . . . YOU ARE MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *attempts to torch Dilandau*  
  
Lord Dilandau: BURN! MOEEEEEERRRRROOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MOEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Dilandau(the actress)(from here on in this becomes Dil to avoid confusion): *comes to* EEK! *streaks off stage right* *runs into Dallet* EEK! *bolts off stage left* *runs into Viole* EEK! *faints*  
  
Viole: What a wierd kid!  
  
Guimel: *SMIRK* Hey, Gatti!  
  
Gatti: Huh? What? Who died?  
  
Guimel: I guess you ARE a pretty young catgirl after all!  
  
Van: YOU like fire, TOO?  
  
Dilandau: Moero . . .  
  
Van: *SOB* you have NO idea how lonely it is . . . *sniffle* Alone in a world full of pyrophobes . . .  
  
Dilandau: Moero . . .  
  
Van: Can I call you sister?  
  
Dilandau: WHAT?!?  
  
Van: BROTHER! *hugs Dilandau*  
  
Allen: *comes to* THAT'S MY LINE! *faints*  
  
Dilandau: Do you want to be . . . but, no . . . you wouldn't want . . . my Dragonslayer?  
  
Van: YES!  
  
Dilandau: HEAR THAT, VAN? I STILL HAVE ONE DRAGONSLAYER!!!!!!! YESSSS! *glomps Van*  
  
Narrator: This is really fricken disturbing. 


	4. Act Four: Shrinking Violets

A/N: Hello, all! Here it is, at long, long last: THE FIC THAT WOULDN'T DIE. I tried to kill it, I really did, but it just wasn't having any of it. If anybody's still following this, well . . . this is for you. It's a bit shorter than the previous chapters, I'm afraid, but more will be coming soon! And now, without further ado, I am proud to present:  
  
Act Four: Shrinking Violets  
  
()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()  
  
(curtain opens, revealing an empty stage)  
  
Darien: SHIT! (runs to close curtains) Listen, you two. You gotta break it up and get into costume. We're already running late, and only the fact that two luscious catgirls with machine guns are guarding the doors is keeping the audience here. The second they stop to lick themselves, BAM! The audience's gone.  
  
Van: That's horrible! How COULD he?  
  
Dilandau: My beautiful face . . .  
  
Darien: HEY! Are you listening to me?!?  
  
Van, Hitomi and Dilandau: NO.  
  
Narrator: Ooh! Ooh! I'll be Van!!!  
  
Darien: VAN! GET OVER HERE THIS INSTANT!  
  
Van: NO! I WILL NOT BETRAY MY LORD IN SUCH A FASHION!!! I AM HIS SLAYER, NOW AND FOREVER!!!!!!!  
  
Dilandau: (sparkle-sparkle mode) Oh, Van . . .  
  
All: (scarred for life)  
  
Dallet: Does he HAVE a sparkle-sparkle mode?  
  
Raenef: No, but he borrowed it temporarily from me.  
  
Dallet: The FUCK?  
  
Eclipse: (fuming) Master Raeneeeeeeeef . . .  
  
Raenef: CRAP, I've gotta go! I'll be in the audience, see ya!! (sparkles)  
  
Viole: (sigh) What a pretty girl . . .  
  
Dallet: WHAT?  
  
(in the meantime . . .)  
  
Raenef: (sigh) That Viole sure was a pretty girl . . . (sparkle)  
  
Eclipse: (twitch twitch) And you know his name HOW?  
  
Raenef: That's easy. I just read the- wait, HE?  
  
Eclipse: (SIGH)  
  
(back to business, backstage)  
  
TVFN: Did I hear you correctly?  
  
Hitomi: (sparkle) Yes, fairy god - er - mother, we need a new Van . . . our current one's been converted . . .  
  
Van: (from onstage) BURN!!!!  
  
Dilandau: (ditto) MOEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!  
  
Hitomi: That or a knife with which to KILL myself.  
  
TVFN: Use Dil. She's a darling.  
  
Hitomi: But she's also a WUSS.  
  
TVFN: I know, darling, I know. I'm off to powder my face now. Ja!  
  
Hitomi: (groans, collapsing) Noooooooo . . .  
  
Dil: Daemon must be rolling in his grave right now.  
  
Hitomi: Don't say that!  
  
Yukari: NEVER say that!  
  
Hitomi: He can't be dead yet!!!  
  
(in the hospital)  
  
Daemon: HACHOOOOOO!!!!  
  
Nurse: Bless you.  
  
Nurse #2: I didn't know it was POSSIBLE to sneeze in a coma.  
  
(onstage again)  
  
(Narrator bounces back onstage, grinning as the curtains open)  
  
Narrator: HELLOOOOOO, and thank you for waiting! Now we are proud to present . . . ummmm . . . Act Toad! Thank you.  
  
Prompter: MMMRGMMMGMPH!!!  
  
Dilandau: Eheheh. Now all we have to do is rewrite "Van" lines to say . . . whisper . . . AND THEN THE DRAGON WILL PERISH!!!  
  
Van and Dilandau: (high five) WAHAHAHAHAHAhAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Gatti: (shaking head sadly) He just doesn't get it . . .  
  
AM2: THIS PLAY FRICKIN' BLOWS!!!!!!!  
  
Eriya: Would you like to say that again, sir?  
  
AM2: Shutting up!  
  
Dil and Hitomi: (fall violently through the ceiling and onto the stage)  
  
Dil: Owwwww . . . my ass . . . it's going to go all lopsided and then -  
  
Hitomi: (WHACK) SHADDAP! This isn't PRECISION light!!! Oh - oh, look, the audience . . . eheheh . . . (stage whisper) What's my line again?  
  
Dil: (looking over at the "prompters") Die, you fat cow! I can't stand the sight of you!  
  
All: . . .  
  
(the sound of crickets can be heard)  
  
Dil: Eh . . . Eeeeeeeeh???  
  
Hitomi: (deadpan) You're on the wrong side of the stage. Go.  
  
Dil: (mimicking) This isn't precision liiiiiiiight!!!!!  
  
Hitomi: (WHACK)  
  
Dil: ITAIIIIIIII!!!!!!  
  
(backstage)  
  
Darien: Where's Moleman? He's supposed to be on right now!  
  
Yukari: Oh, HIM. Yeah, he got arrested.  
  
Darien: Will he be here anytime soon?  
  
Yukari: (ponders)  
  
Darien: Well?  
  
Yukari: . . .  
  
Darien: SPEAK, DAMMIT!!!  
  
Yukari: They said something about meth, so I dunno.  
  
Darien: Damn. Go kidnap somebody from the audience, if that's the case.  
  
Yukari: Okay, cool. Just give me a sec.  
  
(meanwhile, back at the ranch . . .)  
  
Hitomi: Oh no. What shall I do? I'm all alone. Poor me.  
  
Audience: . . .  
  
Hitomi: POOR ME.  
  
Audience: . . . this show sucks.  
  
Hitomi: Well, shit. I think I'll do a Tarot reading on this here stump. (lays card) I don't know what in the seven hells this means, but it looks bad. It has collapsing buildings on it. A terrorist threat? (whips out ham sandwich)  
  
Hobo Bob: (is thrown on stage right) GIMME!!!!!  
  
Hitomi: CRAP!!!  
  
Hobo Bob: SANDWICH!!!!  
  
Hitomi: OVER MY DEAD-  
  
(backstage)  
  
Darien: Where's Allen?  
  
Yukari: Passed out on the floor. Some kid with a sheep is drawing on his face.  
  
Darien: (sigh) Get me the wig.  
  
(back onstage)  
  
Hobo Bob: THAT SANDWICH IS MIIIIIINE!!!!! (proceeds to molest Hitomi)  
  
Hitomi: NO! NOT MY BLOODY SANDWICH!!!  
  
Darien: (enters stage left in wig and pink dress) NO! GODDAMN HOBO!!!  
  
Hobo Bob: EH?  
  
Darien: (WHACK)  
  
Hitomi: Nice outfit, ALLEN. (sniggering)  
  
Darien: It was this or a bikini, OKAY?  
  
Hitomi: (SNICK)  
  
Dil: (enters stage right) ALLEN! You- you suck! (legs trembling) Um . . . DIE!  
  
Darien: (draws tater tot)  
  
Hitomi: (SNICK)  
  
Darien: THE PROPS WERE GONE TOO, OKAY!?!?!?  
  
Dil: (faints)  
  
Hitomi: (to Darien) You really suck.  
  
Darien: Oh, shut up, y- VAN! DILANDAU! You can't just take Dil and - HEY! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?!?!?!?!?  
  
Hitomi: Do you even need to ask?  
  
Darien: Crap. Is there even a fire extinguisher in this place?  
  
Yukari: (sparkle) No, but we have lots of water and those cute little Dixie cups!  
  
Hitomi: . . . crap.  
  
Hobo Bob: (twitch) My . . . my preciousssss . . . come back to (HACK) meeee . . . please . . .  
  
()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()  
  
_(little person pops in with glasses and a bad hair cut) Umm, please excuse the author; she's a bit of a weird one, and apparently forgetful! You see, she forgot the disclaimer! She does not own Escaflowne, nor does she own "demon Diary" where the characters of Eclipse and Raenef came from! Thank you! (pops off)_


End file.
